Five Ways To Become A Terrible Photographer

So you want to be a great photographer. Why?

The world is already bursting with great photographers. Just look at Instagram or Threads. (Forget X, that cesspool of outrage politics, extreme opinions and OnlyFans ads.) Can you really compete with what you see there? I doubt it.

Instead of beating your head against the wall trying to be great, become a terrible photographer instead. It’s very freeing.

Here are five tips on becoming a terrible photographer:

1. Sleep In — One of the first pieces of advice you’ll receive as a photographer is to shoot during golden hour. That’s the time just before and after sunrise or sunset. The light turns soft and warm during golden hour and your subjects become more attractive. The morning golden hour is especially nice, with clear, cool air and light winds.

But really, who wants to get up early in the morning to catch golden hour? If you’re shooting portraits, there’s no way your models will want to get up in the dark and prepare themselves for a shoot. If you’re a landscape photographer, do you really want to wake up in the middle of the night, drive several hours, hike in the dark and catch the sunrise?

Better to stay in bed, get some good, healthy sleep, then shoot during the middle of the day when the light is harsh and your subjects look washed out and sickly. Think of it as a bold new aesthetic.

2. Use Bad Gear — Big-time photographers are always saying gear doesn’t matter. They say you can take great photos with old, broken or even Pentax cameras. They’d never actually do it, of course. They use only the latest and greatest gear, usually provided at a massive discount by their favourite camera brand.

You can’t do that. Gear is too expensive. Shoot with old cameras that can barely autofocus. Buy used lenses filled with fungus and condensation — they create interesting effects that great photographers will never achieve. And remember, when people say you should invest in photography gear they just mean you should spend money you don’t have.

3. Don’t Shoot In Raw Format — Shooting in raw format instead of jpeg format gives you maximum latitude to process your photos. You can change the white balance, recover blown out areas and reveal details in the shadows.

What a waste of time. Just shoot in jpeg format. That way your camera decides how to process your image and bakes the results into your photos. You might have a little latitude to edit the photos, but not much. As a bonus, your photos are available seconds after you take them and the files are much smaller than raw images.

4. Don’t Learn Post-Processing — Most photographers process their photos using programs like Lightroom, Photoshop or Capture One. They sit in front of computers for hours editing raw images, making them perfect and outstanding and attractive. They emphasize certain areas of their photos, minimize other areas, change contrast, add or remove vignettes, mask areas, combine exposures to capture wider dynamic range and on and on and on.

It’s exhausting.

Why bother? You’re already shooting in jpeg format, so just set your camera to full program mode, choose a profile in your camera (like Vivid or Mono) and let it do the work. Store your photos in Apple Photos or Google Photos and upload them to social media with no edits. You can use the time you save to rearrange your sock drawer.

5. Forget The Rules of Composition — Rules, schmules (“schmules” isn’t in the dictionary, but it should be). Doesn’t everyone say rules are meant to be broken? Yet great photographers are always talking about rules: the rule of thirds, leading lines, filling your frame with your subject, keeping your horizon straight…blah, blah, blah. Rules are for fools.

Sure, following composition rules can help make your photos better. But who can remember all that when they’re taking photos? It’s like trying to putt while thinking about integral calculus. An empty mind is an efficient mind.

My advice? Just point and shoot. And be happy with whatever you get.

If you follow these five suggestions, you’ll be well on your way to becoming a terrible photographer. But if you still want to be a great photographer…just do the opposite of what I’ve recommended.

You’re welcome.

Want more room to be creative? Schedule your vices

I live by one simple rule to stay healthy and creative: Schedule your vices.

Vices are usually seen as wicked or immoral activities: prostitution, pornography,  illegal drugs. My definition is softer. I think of vices as consumptive activities that are pleasurable but that have no truly redeeming qualities. Things like alcohol, caffeine, chocolate and television.

Don’t get me wrong — I have no strong moral argument against my vices. They’re just fine and I don’t self-flagellate if I find myself straying by having the occasional beer at 3:45 p.m. on a Thursday. But I’m vigilant about these vices because unlike most other activities and substances, overdoing these has an immediate and profoundly negative effect on my health and creativity. How? Like this:

• Caffeine is great. It gives me a nice lift in the morning. After two cups of coffee I feel smarter, wittier and more able to take on the world. But if I push that to three cups, or if I continue to drink coffee after noon, I become antsy, jittery and my heart starts skipping more than the occasional beat. That leads to lying in bed looking at the ceiling rather than getting out to take photos or sitting down to write.

• Alcohol. Wonderful invention. Even chimpanzees like to eat rotten, fermented fruit for a buzz. It makes me feel looser, expansive and, like caffeine, a laugh riot. But we all know the downsides to drinking too much alcohol. Hangovers. Weight gain. Medical complications. Obnoxious declarations of affection for friends, their spouses or their pets. Worst of all, if I’m drinking alcohol, I’m not creating anything worthwhile. I might feel wittier and more creative…but I’m not.

• Chocolate is the least troublesome of my vices. But it, too, has its pitfalls. Cavities. Weight gain. Some say dark chocolate has health benefits, but the amount I would have to consume to gain those benefits would bankrupt me and put me in a whole new pant size. Better to think of it as an occasional treat.

• Television. Ah, television. Back in the 1960s, when they only had three channels, FCC Chairman Newt Minow called television “a vast wasteland.” In the 90s, Bruce Springsteen despaired there were 57 channels and nothing on. I wish. Today the sheer amount of sludge on TV is truly boggling — and don’t get me started on streaming services. If I’m not careful, I could be sucked into an endless deluge of Real Housewives, Moonshiners, Gunsmoke, House Hunters…it goes on and on. Watching TV is the opposite of creativity.

It adds up to consuming too many things that aren’t good for my health or creativity. So I tightly control, schedule and monitor my consumption.

My schedule is simple:

• No caffeine after 12 p.m. Better yet, none after 10 a.m.

• No alcohol before 4 p.m. And mostly on weekends (Friday counts as part of the weekend, as do major holidays).

• No chocolate before noon. And only a little.

• No television before 5 p.m. and none after 10 p.m.

I adhere to this schedule religiously. Not doing so would be disastrous. You’d find me at 10 a.m. on a Wednesday slumped on the couch high on espresso, drinking a beer, chocolate stains on my shirt, the TV running endless episodes of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. My mind would be hamburger salad, my stomach a crime scene and worst of all, I would be creating nothing of value. A truly horrible vision.

An important corollary is to never turn my schedule from negatives to positives; never make each restriction a commandment. For example, saying “no chocolate before noon” doesn’t mean I must have chocolate after noon. It’s purely optional. But if I am going to have chocolate, it must be after 4 p.m.

If I’ve inspired you to try scheduling your own vices, my advice is to start slowly. Withdrawal can be painful, especially from chocolate. I’d love to hear how you make out.